Loss expert shares insights

Harriet Ernstsons-Evans • Aug 02, 2021

In the extremely tough times that we’ve all been living in over the last 18 months, so many of us have experienced loss. Whether that’s a bereavement, financial loss, or severely reduced social contact – or a mix of all three.

We caught up with Dipti Solanki – a qualified homeopath, grief coach and life coach – as we know many of our PEGS parents are feeling the impact of these losses. Here’s what she had to say:

Can you tell us a little bit about what you do?

“I’m a grief and emotional recovery coach, so I help people to look at the type of loss they are suffering from, begin understanding the impact, and start taking very practical steps to help them heal. We tend to think of loss as bereavement but the term covers all sorts of loss.

“Often, we don’t have the information we need to deal with a loss, which can reduce our ability to heal. When healing doesn’t happen, it can lead to so many physical and emotional symptoms including anxiety and depression.

“We are often told to ‘be strong’ and essentially act as if something hasn’t happened. But loss has such a big impact, and it’s important to talk about what’s happened. I have a very structured, well-defined process to go through with the adults and children I work with, so it’s not overwhelming for them and they know the next steps within the process.”

How can we support children who’ve experienced a loss?

“Talking to children is very important, and so too is showing them the emotions that you’re feeling. Most children will say they’ve got a tummy ache if they feel anxious, because they don’t know how to articulate their feelings. As adults, we need to help them understand what an emotion is and let them know it’s okay to be sad and be in touch with their emotions. If we don’t talk about it, that’s the point at which things can escalate.”

What have you seen happening during the pandemic?

“We have all experienced collective losses: our freedom of movement, being able to see each other socially, loss of income, divorces and separations, and loss of communication. For some of us, there’s been a loss of hope. And of course, there has been so much bereavement; not being able to be with loved ones, not having the chance to say goodbye, and having a very different grieving process has been extremely hard. We have had to grieve in very artificial ways and in isolation from each other.”

What’s the biggest misconception about loss?

“The biggest lie we are told is that time heals. Grief is a very physical thing, and grief and shock can sit in the system for decades.

“We also feel we have to keep things ‘normal’ in the home when a loss or something like a separation has taken place. We just keep going and often don’t acknowledge our true feelings – but that emotional honesty with everyone in the household including children is so powerful, as is discussing how everyone feels.”

What advice would you give people about managing their emotions now restrictions have been lifted?

“Everyone has different pressures and different feelings – which can end up in a pressure cooker situation where people are feeling unsafe. In all of this, we need to manage our emotions and juggle expressing our feelings and keeping ourselves safe.

“We all need compassion and understanding because everyone feels differently about the restrictions being lifted.”

Thank you to Dipti for her valuable insight into loss. If you’d like to find out more about her work, simply visit https://diptisolanki.com/.

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Grandparents can be abused too.

By Amanda Warburton-Wynn • 03 May, 2024

'Oh, we love having the grandchildren, especially because we can give them back!' How many times have you heard that? But have you heard 'We dread our grandchild coming to visit, we never feel safe until they've gone home'? Child to Parent Abuse is increasingly a topic of research but there is currently no formal definition and, if the consultation carried out by the Home Office in 2023 results in one, it's likely that grandparents won't get a mention in the main title. Of course, the age of grandparents can vary hugely but for those in the older age groups abuse from a child can be hard to understand and even harder to speak about. Whilst in many cases abusive behaviours are not linked to a health or mental health issue, some of the diagnoses involved in some cases of child to parent abuse weren't known until fairly recent times – ADHD was first recognised when mentioned in a National Institution of Clinical Excellence (NICE) report in 2000! Children who we now categorise as being victims of abuse and trauma were often just seen as 'naughty' back in the day and their behaviour needed to be dealt with by punishment. It's essential that we now recognise when children are asking for help – even if that is demonstrated by negative behaviours – but the impact of these behaviours on the whole family needs to be considered. Information Now say that In the past two generations, the number of children being cared for by their grandparents has increased substantially from 33% to 82% - almost two-thirds of all grandparents regularly look after their grandchildren. The UK Government add that 41% of mothers are working full time so it's clear that grandparents are spending more time with their grandchildren than ever before. There are myriad reasons for this including the changing demographics of an ageing population where many grandparents are now more physically active so spending time with grandparents can be more fulfilling than in the past (anyone else remember sitting in silence listening to the adults talk and drink team and hoping it would be time to go home soon?) But for all those positives, abuse of older people is a negative that's featuring more and more in research and in the news. Whilst several studies on both domestic abuse and elder abuse victimisation have reported that adult sons or grandsons, and a smaller proportion of adult daughters or granddaughters, are perpetrators in around half of all abuse against older adults (see Bows et al . 2022), there is little research into abuse by grandchildren who are aged under 18. One reason for this is likely to be the reluctance, by family members, professionals and society as a whole, to label children as 'perpetrators' or 'abusers Parents experiencing abuse from children have told PEGS that the abuse most commonly starts before the age of six and often continues post the child turning 18. It is probable that some children who display abusive behaviours towards parents will also abuse their grandparents but it's possible that some children abuse grandparents only. What is pretty much definite is that grandparents will feel the same emotions as parents if a child is abusing them – shame, guilt, worry about consequences of speaking out and concerned about causing problems within the family, especially if they appear to be the only targets of the abuse. It's also common to look for a reason for the abuse, something that has happened to the child perhaps or something that the grandparent has/hasn't done and to try to rationalise the abuse. As well as more research, there needs to be more recognition from organisations working with older people – statutory and voluntary – that Child to Parent Abuse can and does include children abusing grandparents and those grandparents need support. Abuse from a child is often no less dangerous than abuse from an adult so it shouldn't be laughed off or seen as grandparents not having enough 'control' over their grandchildren. More awareness of the issue, more open discussions and acknowledgement of the impact of this type of abuse will hopefully lead to appropriate support for grandparents who come forward to ask for help, and more of them doing so. Amanda Warburton-Wynn is an independent researcher and consultant specialising in support for domestic abuse and sexual violence survivors with disabilities and older people. You can find out more about Amanda and her work on her website www.awdaconsultancy.com