Understanding CPA
Child to Parent Abuse can feel frightening, isolating and difficult to talk about. PEGS is here to help parents, carers and guardians understand what is happening, feel less alone, and access the right support.
What is Child to Parent Abuse?
Child to Parent Abuse, often known as CPA, is when a child, young person or adult child uses harmful, threatening, controlling or abusive behaviour towards a parent, carer or guardian.
It can be incredibly difficult to talk about, especially when the person causing harm is your own child. Many parents and carers feel frightened, isolated, confused or worried they will be blamed. But CPA is not your fault, and you do not have to face it alone.
Child to Parent Abuse can look different in every family. For some, it may involve physical violence or threats. For others, it may be emotional, financial, verbal or controlling behaviour that leaves a parent feeling anxious, unsafe or unable to manage day to day life at home.
CPA can happen in any family. It is often misunderstood, and many incidents go unreported because parents may feel ashamed, afraid of judgement, or unsure whether what they are experiencing counts as abuse.
It does count. Your experiences are valid.
You are not alone
Many parents and carers experiencing CPA tell us they feel as though no one understands what is happening behind closed doors.
Some worry they will be seen as a bad parent. Some have asked for help before and felt dismissed. Others have been living with the behaviour for so long that it has started to feel like something they simply have to cope with.
You should not have to cope alone.
PEGS exists to support parents, carers and guardians who are experiencing CPA, whether the behaviour has recently started or has been happening for many years.
Common myths about CPA
There are still many misconceptions around Child to Parent Abuse. These myths can leave parents and carers feeling blamed, dismissed or afraid to ask for help. Here, we gently challenge some of the most common misunderstandings.
-
CPA is not a sign that you have failed as a parent. Many parents experiencing CPA have other children in the home who do not display abusive behaviours.
-
CPA can affect any family, regardless of background, profession, family structure or personal circumstances.
-
Some children displaying abusive behaviour may have experienced trauma or domestic abuse, but this is not always the case.
-
Additional needs, trauma, mental health difficulties and other factors may play a part for some families, but CPA is complex and there is rarely one single cause.
-
CPA is complicated. Families often need understanding, safety planning, practical tools and joined up support.
Types of Child to Parent Abuse
Child to Parent Abuse can take many forms. It is not always physical, and it can include emotional, financial, verbal, digital or controlling behaviours that leave a parent, carer or guardian feeling unsafe, anxious or overwhelmed.
Physical abuse
This may include hitting, kicking, pushing, spitting, throwing objects, blocking exits, or causing harm to a parent, carer, sibling or other family member.
Verbal abuse
This can include shouting, swearing, threats, insults, name calling, intimidation or language that makes a parent feel frightened or degraded.
Emotional abuse
This may involve blame, humiliation, manipulation, guilt, threats of self harm, or behaviour that leaves a parent constantly walking on eggshells.
Coercive and controlling behaviour
This can include trying to control where a parent goes, who they speak to, what they do, or using fear and intimidation to control the home.
Financial abuse
This may include stealing money, demanding money, damaging belongings, running up debts, or using money and possessions as a way to threaten or control.
Digital abuse
This can include abusive messages, online threats, harassment, tracking, sharing private information, or using phones and social media to intimidate.
Damage to property
This may include breaking furniture, damaging walls, smashing personal items, destroying belongings, or threatening to damage the home.
Impact on the whole family
CPA can affect siblings and other family members too. It can change routines, relationships, wellbeing, work, school and everyone’s sense of safety at home.
During and after an incident
When things feel intense or unsafe, it can be hard to know what to do in the moment. These gentle steps are here to help you think about your immediate safety, create space to breathe, and support your recovery once things are calmer.
Dealing with an incident:
Always call the police if anyone is in danger
It’s fine to go to another room if things get too much
If you’re able to get outside, even a five-minute walk can give you some breathing space and help calm your emotions.
Use any coping strategies which you know work for you, or test out new ones if nothing has worked in the past.
It’s okay to address behaviour when things are more settled, rather than at the time.
After an incident:
Use calm time in between incidents to recover and think about coping or de-escalation strategies you'll use next time.
Focus on any positive behaviour, no matter how small.
If you are separated from the other parent and they are involved, ask for support from them (if this does not place you at any risk).
Reach out to friends and family (not in sight or ear shot of your child).
Create a safety plan for yourself, and log behaviours in a journal.
Get support
To access support from PEGS, parents and carers will need to complete a self referral form. Once submitted, our team will carefully review your information and make sure you are guided towards the most appropriate support for your situation. We’re here to listen, understand what you’re going through, and help you get the best support from PEGS.
You don’t have to do this alone
If you feel ready, completing our self referral form is the first step towards getting the support you deserve.