When we talk about child to parent abuse, the focus is often and understandably,  on safety. On risk. On moments of crisis and what needs to happen to keep people physically safe.

What we talk about far less is, the grief.

At PEGS, we work alongside parents and carers who love their children deeply, even when their relationship has become unsafe. These parents are not giving up. They are often making the hardest decisions they will ever face, decisions rooted in care, responsibility, and survival.

And those decisions come with profound loss.

Parents tell us about the grief they carry every day. Grief for the family they once knew. Grief for the family society tells them they should be. Grief for their child, for the relationship they hoped to have, and for the future they imagined together.

This grief is complex and often invisible.

For some parents, safety has meant their child can no longer live at home. For others, it has meant limited contact or no contact at all. These outcomes are rarely chosen lightly. They are often reached after months or years of trying to cope, to support, to understand, and to hold things together while living with fear, worry, and emotional exhaustion.

Parenting when you no longer live with your child, or have contact with them, brings a particular kind of pain. Parents continue to worry, to care, and to hope, even when they are no longer part of their child’s day to day life. Many are left carrying constant questions:

Did I do the right thing? Could I have done more? What if things were different?

Even when a parent is now physically safe, the impact of child to parent abuse does not simply end. Trauma does not switch off once a door closes or contact stops. The body remembers. The mind replays. The grief remains. And yet, many parents feel unable to talk about this loss. There can be shame, fear of judgement, or worry about being blamed or misunderstood. Parents are often expected to be endlessly resilient,  to cope quietly, to put their own pain aside, and to focus only on their child’s needs. As a result, their grief often goes unseen and unsupported.

But grief does not disappear just because it is unspoken.

Parents grieve not only for what has happened, but for what might have been. For missed milestones. For everyday moments that never came. For the version of family life they worked so hard to create. This loss is real, even though the child is still alive, and it deserves to be acknowledged.

As a society, we need to talk about this more openly.

Child to parent abuse affects whole families, and its impact does not end once physical safety is achieved. Parents and carers need support that recognises the emotional toll, the trauma, and the long-term grief that can follow, including for those parenting from a distance or living with no contact at all.

At PEGS, we believe parents deserve compassion, understanding, and support too. Acknowledging parental grief is not about blame or judgement. It is about honesty, validation, and creating space for parents to be seen and supported.

Distance does not mean a lack of love.

Grief does not mean failure. And no parent should have to carry this alone.

For every parent or caregiver who has had to make some of the toughest decisions to keep everyone safe. I see you and my heart is always with you,

Michelle xx

Michelle John, Founding Director of PEGS