PEGS Founder reflects on attitudes to CPA

PEGS first began offering support to parents and professionals in 2020 – now more than a year on, Founding Director Michelle John has taken some time to share her thoughts and reflections on what she’s learned and the responses she’s received along the way:

I started PEGS not knowing what it was going to be, I just knew that something had to be done and a voice given to those parents, carers and guardians who were trying to survive another day in a situation where they alone and scared. Scared for themselves, scared for their family and scared for the unknown.

Living with a child who displaying abusive, violent or out of control behaviours is not easy, it is not a happy time, and it is not safe, yet all too often judgements and comments are made that blame the parents. Could you imagine the uproar if society blamed an intimate partner victim of domestic abuse for their situation? Yet the majority still find it acceptable to make judgments and/or blame a parent for their child’s behaviour towards them.

There is no worse critic for a parent than a parent themselves, they do not need to be criticised when they reach out for help and support, they need to be listened too, believed and empowered.

Day after day, I am privileged to hear parents’ experiences across the country, different families yet often similar situations. One thing that is constant across the UK is the lack of understanding, missed opportunities to keep families safe, and a failure of having policies and frameworks to assist professionals in upskilling their knowledge and providing effective care and support.

I spend a lot of my day talking to individuals and organisations about Child to Parent Abuse, I try to offer these professionals the support they need to navigate the complexity of working with families where a child is abusing their parent or carer. I will suggest other services such as Forensic CAMHS, an excellent service within England (FACTS is the Welsh equivalent) who are able to offer support for professionals and families where a child or young person with or without a diagnosis is displaying extremely violent, harmful or out of control behaviours. If you are not aware of Forensic CAMHS please ask at your health boards for details of your local service. I try to encourage multi agency working and share what tools we have here at PEGS to help those professionals understand and empower them in helping their families.

I am also challenged by some professionals on Child to Parent Abuse and that the behaviours must have been learned from somewhere, that there is no such thing, or even that the parent just needs to ‘be a parent’. I hear excuses being made for the sometimes extremely violent and aggressive incidents; I hear how parents are told they need parenting classes – do we send intimate partner victims on programmes on how to be a better partner? No, we do not, and we never would, yet for the majority of the time the response for parent and carers victims seems to be that a parenting programme is the answer.

I see professionals telling parents that they will be prosecuted for neglect or abandonment if they try to seek support for the child to live outside of the family home. Again, could you imagine anyone telling an intimate partner of abuse ‘if you ask them to leave you will be prosecuted’?! The suggestion itself seems ludicrous yet time after time the parents I work with are being told this is the case. Currently almost 20% of the parents PEGS supports have been threatened with this action by local authorities – appalling, heart-breaking and causing further distress, worry and fear.

And what happens when the ‘child ‘is 18 or over? Sadly, there is not much difference, the suggestion that it is somewhat easier as the parent can choose to ask their child to leave, to stop all communication and to make better choices are often the first comments made. Yet the reality is this is no easier when your child is over 18 than when they are under 18. Parents with adult children are seeing and hearing similar comments, they are almost left even more alone (if this is possible) than the parents with younger children.

Some of the parents we support have been experiencing decades of abusive behaviours, they are being missed by services, professionals, family, friends, and the community. The assumption that as the child is an adult so therefore its easier to find a solution is rife, the onus is still placed on the parents, especially if their child has an additional need. Again, we are seeing older parents being told that if they ask for their adult child who may have additional needs to leave, they would be placing a vulnerable adult homeless and at risk and that would potentially see them as being in the wrong. So, they are left trying to survive day after day with behaviours that they can not manage and quite frankly should not have to put up with. We all have the right to live fear free and safe in our homes, yet this does not appear to apply to parents.

We have also sadly heard of cases where a child has killed their parents, take DHR Sarah for example, her son was 16 when he killed his mum, yet she had been asking for help and support for a decade. Again, we have seen cases of where adult children have killed their parent. I am often met with shock, disgust, confusion and comments especially when the child Is under 18 of ‘well I can’t believe that, what did the parent do for their child to react that way?’ Even when a life has been lost, in cases of child to parent domestic abuse the parent is still blamed and judgments made.

I know this is a difficult and uncomfortable topic to talk about, especially for those us who have children, and it can be difficult to understand for those who haven’t experienced it themselves. Yet not experiencing something directly does not mean it is not someone else’s reality. Support put in place when parents ask for help is the way forward, and change is needed. The parents I support echo my views: many have asked for help at the start yet were ignored, blamed or sent on a programme yet when things have then escalated and the parent or even a sibling has come to harm, the parents were then blamed for not asking for help sooner and some have had their children removed for failure to protect – can anyone else see the problem here?

Image going to the doctor repeatedly to be told take over the counter mediation for you to then require urgent hospital treatment to be told you should have come to us sooner. Blame is not helpful for anyone - listening, supporting, and empowering is. You can choose how you respond when someone tells you they are experiencing these behaviours from their child, it is a privilege to be told something so painful, upsetting and deeply personal, you may be the only person they have told so you response matters in more ways than one.

For domestic abuse victims I must stress here how difficult and at times unsafe it is for them to reach out for help, they do so when they feel they are strong enough and able enough to ask for help and support, to then be told you did not ask for help soon enough is soul-destroying. Victims are already feeling punished they don’t need to feel punished by those who should be helping.

Do I know what the answer is? No, I do not, but I am sure trying to make change and to get these parents’ voices heard. I ask that you stand alongside me, PEGS, and parent victims to become part of the solution and not part of the problem.

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August Spotlight: Verbal Abuse

By PEGS Admin • August 19, 2025

When Words Hurt – Facing Verbal Abuse from Your Child There are few things more emotionally painful than hearing cruel, dismissive or demeaning words from your own child. Whether they’re still under your roof or are well into adulthood, being spoken to in a verbally abusive way by the very person you raised with love and care can leave parents feeling confused, heartbroken and alone. It's not something we often talk about openly. Parents may fear being judged or blamed or they may question whether their experience is even valid. But verbal abuse from a child whether they’re 14 or 40 - is real and it matters. If you’ve found yourself on the receiving end of shouting, insults, blame or emotional manipulation from your child, this space is for you. You are not alone. Verbal abuse can take many forms and not all of them are loud or obvious. Some common examples include: Repeated criticism or personal attacks Name-calling, sarcasm or mockery Shouting or aggressive tone Gaslighting or manipulation (“You’re imagining it” / “You always make it about you”) Blame-shifting and emotional guilt trips Intimidating silence or threats These behaviours, especially when ongoing, can leave emotional bruises that are hard to explain to others or even to ourselves. For many parents, the verbal abuse doesn’t start all at once. It might begin as eye-rolling, snide remarks or even sudden mood swings. But over time, those moments become more frequent, more intense, more targeted. The home no longer feels like a place of peace. Interactions start to feel unsafe. “She speaks to me like I’m her enemy. I raised her with love, but now I feel like nothing I do is ever right in her eyes” -Mum to a 17-year-old daughter “I dread phone calls from my adult son. He rings only to shout and unload on me. I hang up shaking every single time” -Dad of a 33-year-old son “My teenager calls me names I wouldn't repeat in front of anyone. It’s like living with someone who hates me,I feel ashamed saying that” - Parent of a 15-year-old “I never thought I’d have to protect myself emotionally from my own child. But here I am trying to keep my boundaries and stay sane” - Mum to a 28-year-old daughter These words reflect a growing reality for many families... a reality that often gets hidden behind closed doors. When verbal abuse comes from a stranger it’s unpleasant. When it comes from your own child , the one you’ve fed, cared for, worried over, and loved unconditionally - it can feel like a betrayal. Parents often experience a mix of emotions: Shock and disbelief – “How did it get to this?” Shame – “Am I the only one dealing with this?” Guilt – “What did I do wrong?” Fear or anxiety – Dreading the next conversation or interaction Loneliness – Feeling unable to share the experience without judgement You may also feel torn between wanting to keep the connection and needing to protect your emotional wellbeing. It’s often assumed that once children reach adulthood, their relationship with their parents will naturally shift into one of mutual respect. But this isn’t always the case. Some adult children continue (or begin) to speak to their parents in ways that are controlling, hurtful or emotionally volatile. These interactions may be laced with some kind of resentment, blame for past decisions or expectations of endless emotional or financial support. In these situations, many parents struggle with a sense of powerlessness. After all, you can’t “ground” a 30-year-old. But your emotional safety still matters and it’s okay to acknowledge when something isn’t right. You can love your child deeply and still feel the pain of being treated unkindly. You can want healing and still need space. You can seek support without shame. Even in the face of verbal abuse, your worth as a parent does not diminish. You are still deserving of respect, of peace and of a life where you’re not walking on eggshells in your own home or heart. If your child is speaking to you in ways that hurt. If you feel exhausted, blamed or disrespected, you are not overreacting. If you find yourself dreading their calls or presence, you are not alone. You can love your child and still take care of yourself. You are worthy of respect. You are allowed to feel safe. And you are not alone.