The Taboo Within the Taboo: Why We Need to Talk About Harmful Sexual Behaviour Towards Parents

21 Jul

Trigger Warning: This article discusses child to parent abuse, harmful sexual behaviour, sexual assault and rape. Please read only if you feel able to do so. If you are impacted by any of the issues discussed, support organisations are listed at the end of this article.

When I founded PEGS, I never imagined how many parents would tell us the same thing:

"I've never told anyone this before."

For years, child to parent abuse has been misunderstood, minimised and, in many cases, hidden behind closed doors. Parents have spoken to us about living with abuse, intimidation, coercive control and emotional abuse from their child, often believing they were the only family experiencing it.

But over time, another pattern began to emerge.

Some parents quietly disclosed something they found almost impossible to say out loud. They weren't only experiencing physical or emotional abuse. They were experiencing harmful sexual behaviour from their child.

Many had never told another professional.

Many had never even found the words to describe what was happening.

That is why I have often referred to this as "the taboo within the taboo."

Child to parent abuse itself remains one of the least recognised forms of family abuse. Harmful sexual behaviour towards parents is even less understood, leaving families carrying an enormous weight of shame, fear and isolation.

Last week, a Guardian article has helped bring national attention to this hidden issue. Most importantly, it has amplified the voices of parents who have lived through experiences that many people struggle to imagine. Their courage in speaking publicly matters, because silence has protected this issue for far too long.

The article also highlights the important work of Professor Amanda Holt, Professor of Criminology and a valued member of the PEGS Advisory Board. Amanda's research, Understanding Harmful Sexual Behaviour Towards Parents, is believed to be the first UK study to explore this issue in depth. Drawing on interviews with parents, practitioners and analysis of data from more than 2,000 parents who sought support through PEGS, her work provides evidence for something many families have been telling us for years.

This is happening.

And we can no longer pretend it isn't.

The research found that almost one in five parents seeking support from PEGS disclosed experiencing harmful sexual behaviour from their child. These behaviours ranged from sexualised comments and exposure through to coercion, unwanted touching and, in some cases, sexual assault.

Behind every statistic is a parent who has been living with fear.

Parents often tell us that they delayed asking for help because they feared they would be blamed. Some worried professionals would assume they had somehow caused the behaviour. Others feared losing their child or being judged as a bad parent.

Those fears are understandable.

For too long, there has been little recognition that parents can experience abuse themselves by their own child, particularly when that abuse is sexual in nature.

It is important to say that recognising harmful sexual behaviour towards parents is not about blaming children.

Many children displaying harmful sexual behaviour have experienced significant trauma themselves. Some have lived with domestic abuse. Others have experienced sexual abuse, neglect or other adverse childhood experiences. Each experience is complex, and that’s something we need to keep in mind.

Understanding these factors is essential if children are to receive the right support.

But understanding is not the same as excusing.

Parents deserve to be safe.

Children deserve specialist assessment and intervention.

Both things can be true at the same time.

One of the strongest messages from Amanda's research is that professionals need greater confidence in recognising and responding to harmful sexual behaviour towards parents. Families cannot disclose what they are never asked about.

At PEGS, we have always believed that listening to parents is where meaningful change begins. Parents are the experts in what is happening inside their own homes. When they tell us something feels unsafe, we must believe them.

Breaking the silence around this issue is uncomfortable. It challenges assumptions about families, parenting and abuse. But avoiding the conversation does not protect anyone.

Talking about it does.

As more parents find the courage to speak, professionals must ensure they are met with compassion, curiosity and informed support rather than disbelief or judgement.

If this article helps just one parent realise they are not alone, then it has served its purpose.

The taboo within the taboo can only remain hidden if we continue to look away.

At PEGS, we won't.

Support

If you are experiencing child to parent abuse, including harmful sexual behaviour, you are not alone.

PEGS provides specialist support and training for parents, carers and professionals impacted by CPA. Visit www.pegsupport.co.uk to find out more.

If you are in immediate danger, ALWAYS call 999.

You can also reach out for confidential support from: