Research looks into abuse of grandparent kinship carers
Harriet Ernstsons-Evans • August 11, 2021
There are many different people stepping into the role of parent or guardian, and a proportion of these are grandparents who are looking after a grandchild within a kinship role (where a family member or friend is providing care). That’s the focus of a brilliant piece of research by Dr Amanda Holt and Dr Jenny Birchall, from the University of Roehampton, who interviewed kinship-carer grandparents who were sadly experiencing abuse or violence from their grandchildren.
• More than half of all kinship carers in the UK are grandparents
• The researchers spoke to 24 grandmothers and 3 grandfathers – aged between 40 and 73
• The children they were looking after were aged between 5 and 20
• They also spoke to professionals in family support services, social care, the police, education etc
The grandparents were experiencing a range of behaviour including physical, verbal and financial abuse – including being punched, kicked, bitten, headbutted, having items thrown at them, and treasured possessions destroyed.
Triggers for specific episodes could include going to new places, having contact with their parents, having access to technology restricted and the demands of the school day. But:
“The grandparents unanimously agreed that the violent and abusive behaviour they were facing ultimately stemmed from trauma and loss.”
This refers to the experiences the children had been through which had seen them end up in kinship care with their grandparents. Those interviewed felt sometimes the behaviour was the only way the children could communicate how they felt, and they targeted the person they felt the safest with – the grandparent who was offering unconditional love.
This abuse was understandably having a huge impact on the grandparents, affecting their:
• Relationship with the grandchild’s parent and other family members
• Marriage
• Finances
• Physical and mental health
There were varying experiences with professionals – contact with police was generally regarded as positive, contact with schools/colleges mixed, and there were challenges reported with getting support from children’s social care.
There are a number of recommendations made by Dr Holt and Dr Birchall, which we hope to see implemented by the services involved in supporting kinship carers. These include trauma-informed therapeutic work, tailored support for grandparents, thorough risk of harm assessments before kinship care is agreed, and continued support once the agreement is in place.
Speaking to PEGS, Dr Amanda Holt said: "This research highlights the specific challenges faced by grandparent kinship carers as they not only navigate the challenges of caring full-time for their grandchild - which includes challenges of managing contact with their grandchild's parent or parents - but also navigating the challenge of aggressive and/or abusive behaviour from their grandchild.
“Grandparent kinship carers are very much unsung heroes, and it is a travesty that this form of violence often goes unacknowledged, with insufficient support available for grandparent kinship carers in this position."
You can read the full research here.
This Months Service Shoutout: Hub of Hope
When Words Hurt – Facing Verbal Abuse from Your Child There are few things more emotionally painful than hearing cruel, dismissive or demeaning words from your own child. Whether they’re still under your roof or are well into adulthood, being spoken to in a verbally abusive way by the very person you raised with love and care can leave parents feeling confused, heartbroken and alone. It's not something we often talk about openly. Parents may fear being judged or blamed or they may question whether their experience is even valid. But verbal abuse from a child whether they’re 14 or 40 - is real and it matters. If you’ve found yourself on the receiving end of shouting, insults, blame or emotional manipulation from your child, this space is for you. You are not alone. Verbal abuse can take many forms and not all of them are loud or obvious. Some common examples include: Repeated criticism or personal attacks Name-calling, sarcasm or mockery Shouting or aggressive tone Gaslighting or manipulation (“You’re imagining it” / “You always make it about you”) Blame-shifting and emotional guilt trips Intimidating silence or threats These behaviours, especially when ongoing, can leave emotional bruises that are hard to explain to others or even to ourselves. For many parents, the verbal abuse doesn’t start all at once. It might begin as eye-rolling, snide remarks or even sudden mood swings. But over time, those moments become more frequent, more intense, more targeted. The home no longer feels like a place of peace. Interactions start to feel unsafe. “She speaks to me like I’m her enemy. I raised her with love, but now I feel like nothing I do is ever right in her eyes” -Mum to a 17-year-old daughter “I dread phone calls from my adult son. He rings only to shout and unload on me. I hang up shaking every single time” -Dad of a 33-year-old son “My teenager calls me names I wouldn't repeat in front of anyone. It’s like living with someone who hates me,I feel ashamed saying that” - Parent of a 15-year-old “I never thought I’d have to protect myself emotionally from my own child. But here I am trying to keep my boundaries and stay sane” - Mum to a 28-year-old daughter These words reflect a growing reality for many families... a reality that often gets hidden behind closed doors. When verbal abuse comes from a stranger it’s unpleasant. When it comes from your own child , the one you’ve fed, cared for, worried over, and loved unconditionally - it can feel like a betrayal. Parents often experience a mix of emotions: Shock and disbelief – “How did it get to this?” Shame – “Am I the only one dealing with this?” Guilt – “What did I do wrong?” Fear or anxiety – Dreading the next conversation or interaction Loneliness – Feeling unable to share the experience without judgement You may also feel torn between wanting to keep the connection and needing to protect your emotional wellbeing. It’s often assumed that once children reach adulthood, their relationship with their parents will naturally shift into one of mutual respect. But this isn’t always the case. Some adult children continue (or begin) to speak to their parents in ways that are controlling, hurtful or emotionally volatile. These interactions may be laced with some kind of resentment, blame for past decisions or expectations of endless emotional or financial support. In these situations, many parents struggle with a sense of powerlessness. After all, you can’t “ground” a 30-year-old. But your emotional safety still matters and it’s okay to acknowledge when something isn’t right. You can love your child deeply and still feel the pain of being treated unkindly. You can want healing and still need space. You can seek support without shame. Even in the face of verbal abuse, your worth as a parent does not diminish. You are still deserving of respect, of peace and of a life where you’re not walking on eggshells in your own home or heart. If your child is speaking to you in ways that hurt. If you feel exhausted, blamed or disrespected, you are not overreacting. If you find yourself dreading their calls or presence, you are not alone. You can love your child and still take care of yourself. You are worthy of respect. You are allowed to feel safe. And you are not alone.
South Asian Heritage Month
