Michelle shares her stance on lived experience boundaries

Harriet Ernstsons-Evans • Sep 22, 2022

Sharing your lived experience was the topic of a webinar our founder Michelle John was asked to speak at today (Thursday).

Organised by Pioneers Post and attended by representatives from social enterprises across the UK and beyond, the event highlighted how choosing whether to disclose our lived experience – and how much detail to share – was personal to every single one of us.

First to speak was the incredible Leigh Carey, CEO and founder of The Hummingbird Project in Northern Ireland.

Leigh and her team work with people to give them the skills and expertise to stay well, as well as identifying stressors early and either managing their own mental wellbeing or asking for help.

She said disclosing her own experience of mental ill health enabled her to be her ‘authentic self’ within meetings but said it was important to consider the benefits – both to yourself and to those you’re talking to – of sharing specific details.

Considering how relevant your personal experiences were and how safe you feel sharing them was important, Leigh said. She also highlighted how a mix of experience was needed around every table – whether the person had lived, learned or practice experience.

Michelle then talked about deciding on boundaries (in terms of what information you shared or did not share) and making those clear from the offset. But, she highlighted, choosing not to disclose personal information wouldn’t necessarily impact the attention a social enterprise received from the media. Indeed, PEGS had been lucky to work alongside journalists from the likes of Channel 5 and ITV News who had been incredibly sensitive and respectful in how they covered a story about Child to Parent Abuse.

She added: “Those experiences do not define who you are. You define who you are. Perhaps people will question and ask ‘who are you to’ but the question is ‘who are you not to!’ You’re not doing it for people who don’t believe you, or don’t believe in you. You’re doing it for the ones who desperately need you.

“You don’t need to justify why you don’t share details. No is a complete sentence.”

Visit https://www.pioneerspost.com/ to see the latest news from the social enterprise magazine!

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Grandparents can be abused too.

By Amanda Warburton-Wynn • 03 May, 2024

'Oh, we love having the grandchildren, especially because we can give them back!' How many times have you heard that? But have you heard 'We dread our grandchild coming to visit, we never feel safe until they've gone home'? Child to Parent Abuse is increasingly a topic of research but there is currently no formal definition and, if the consultation carried out by the Home Office in 2023 results in one, it's likely that grandparents won't get a mention in the main title. Of course, the age of grandparents can vary hugely but for those in the older age groups abuse from a child can be hard to understand and even harder to speak about. Whilst in many cases abusive behaviours are not linked to a health or mental health issue, some of the diagnoses involved in some cases of child to parent abuse weren't known until fairly recent times – ADHD was first recognised when mentioned in a National Institution of Clinical Excellence (NICE) report in 2000! Children who we now categorise as being victims of abuse and trauma were often just seen as 'naughty' back in the day and their behaviour needed to be dealt with by punishment. It's essential that we now recognise when children are asking for help – even if that is demonstrated by negative behaviours – but the impact of these behaviours on the whole family needs to be considered. Information Now say that In the past two generations, the number of children being cared for by their grandparents has increased substantially from 33% to 82% - almost two-thirds of all grandparents regularly look after their grandchildren. The UK Government add that 41% of mothers are working full time so it's clear that grandparents are spending more time with their grandchildren than ever before. There are myriad reasons for this including the changing demographics of an ageing population where many grandparents are now more physically active so spending time with grandparents can be more fulfilling than in the past (anyone else remember sitting in silence listening to the adults talk and drink team and hoping it would be time to go home soon?) But for all those positives, abuse of older people is a negative that's featuring more and more in research and in the news. Whilst several studies on both domestic abuse and elder abuse victimisation have reported that adult sons or grandsons, and a smaller proportion of adult daughters or granddaughters, are perpetrators in around half of all abuse against older adults (see Bows et al . 2022), there is little research into abuse by grandchildren who are aged under 18. One reason for this is likely to be the reluctance, by family members, professionals and society as a whole, to label children as 'perpetrators' or 'abusers Parents experiencing abuse from children have told PEGS that the abuse most commonly starts before the age of six and often continues post the child turning 18. It is probable that some children who display abusive behaviours towards parents will also abuse their grandparents but it's possible that some children abuse grandparents only. What is pretty much definite is that grandparents will feel the same emotions as parents if a child is abusing them – shame, guilt, worry about consequences of speaking out and concerned about causing problems within the family, especially if they appear to be the only targets of the abuse. It's also common to look for a reason for the abuse, something that has happened to the child perhaps or something that the grandparent has/hasn't done and to try to rationalise the abuse. As well as more research, there needs to be more recognition from organisations working with older people – statutory and voluntary – that Child to Parent Abuse can and does include children abusing grandparents and those grandparents need support. Abuse from a child is often no less dangerous than abuse from an adult so it shouldn't be laughed off or seen as grandparents not having enough 'control' over their grandchildren. More awareness of the issue, more open discussions and acknowledgement of the impact of this type of abuse will hopefully lead to appropriate support for grandparents who come forward to ask for help, and more of them doing so. Amanda Warburton-Wynn is an independent researcher and consultant specialising in support for domestic abuse and sexual violence survivors with disabilities and older people. You can find out more about Amanda and her work on her website www.awdaconsultancy.com