Third Birthday Reflections

PEGS Admin • Mar 22, 2023

Reflections on three years of PEGS, from our founder Michelle John:

Today I have sat and reflected on PEGS turning 3 and I wanted to share these thoughts and reflections with you.

When I started PEGS, I honestly had no idea what was about to happen, I knew there were parents and caregivers who needed to be heard, supported and empowered but even I underestimated the number of those who were experiencing abusive behaviours from their child, who needed someone to believe them and believe in them.

One thing I was determined about was that those we supported would always be at the centre of what we did and how we did it. I didn’t want PEGS to be a service where we decided what these parents and caregivers needed, I wanted to create a service that they said they wanted and needed.

Three years on, we still ask for their thoughts, views and inputs, including reaching professionals – more about this later. We are incredibly privileged to do the work we do and we continually thank those who work with us for trusting us and allowing us to be part of their journey – these are the true warriors, the change makers, we just help to amplify their voices.

We are often asked about why we don’t work with the child or the whole family, that's not the direction I chose to take - but we completely believe that those who are behaving this way need support too. That’s why we work so closely with services who do that equally incredible and important work.

Parents and caregivers tell us they like PEGS being focused on them, their needs, their safety, their voice, there are so many services that focus on supporting children and young people but how many services do you know that are solely focused on you as a parent or

caregiver?

I also didn’t want to charge people to use our service, it doesn’t sit well with me charging anyone who is experiencing abuse, some of those we support are being financially abused or CPA has had an impact on their income in some way. For me, I feel charging for support creates more barriers and frankly there are enough of those as it is. PEGS will always remain free to those who are using our services.

This journey has had many highs, many learnings, and many many opportunities for growth. We’ve expanded the team, opened another office and have had provided support through various ways to over 3,000 parents or caregivers. We’ve helped to influence legislation changes, local, regional and national policies, frameworks and protocols. We created a risk assessment model as the models for domestic abuse do not fit if you are being abused by your child; that assessment has been rolled out across whole regions, police

forces and others who work with those experiencing CPA.

We’ve created a Government backed employer covenant - the 4th in the UK. We have become trusted partners of NHS Safeguarding for

England. We created a national awareness day - October 14th. We’ve created training and delivered to over 1,500 professionals. We gathered some of the largest sets of data around CPA through our annual surveys.

We’ve had funders believe in us, and give grants so we can continue and expand our work. We have made links with local, regional and national media and have been able to raise awareness both nationally and internationally. We have been nominated for and won numerous awards . We have held online conferences and in person events. We have worked with and continue to work with some of

the leading academics in this field. We have formed partnerships and at every opportunity we continue to highlight CPA and what the reality is like for so many, and sadly for some this has seen parents and caregivers being killed by their child.

Those death could have been avoided , they were asking for help - sometimes for years, they were speaking out but their voice

was silenced simply because they were a parent.

In a ideal world, PEGS wouldn’t exist, there would be no need for us, but this is not a ideal world and as long as those parents and caregivers need us, as long as the same lessons keep being learned (and truly learned), we will be here.

To every single one of you reading this who is currently experiencing, or has in the past experienced, abuse from your child, just know you are incredible, you are worthy, you are deserving, you do matter, and PEGS has got you.

All our love 💜

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Grandparents can be abused too.

By Amanda Warburton-Wynn • 03 May, 2024

'Oh, we love having the grandchildren, especially because we can give them back!' How many times have you heard that? But have you heard 'We dread our grandchild coming to visit, we never feel safe until they've gone home'? Child to Parent Abuse is increasingly a topic of research but there is currently no formal definition and, if the consultation carried out by the Home Office in 2023 results in one, it's likely that grandparents won't get a mention in the main title. Of course, the age of grandparents can vary hugely but for those in the older age groups abuse from a child can be hard to understand and even harder to speak about. Whilst in many cases abusive behaviours are not linked to a health or mental health issue, some of the diagnoses involved in some cases of child to parent abuse weren't known until fairly recent times – ADHD was first recognised when mentioned in a National Institution of Clinical Excellence (NICE) report in 2000! Children who we now categorise as being victims of abuse and trauma were often just seen as 'naughty' back in the day and their behaviour needed to be dealt with by punishment. It's essential that we now recognise when children are asking for help – even if that is demonstrated by negative behaviours – but the impact of these behaviours on the whole family needs to be considered. Information Now say that In the past two generations, the number of children being cared for by their grandparents has increased substantially from 33% to 82% - almost two-thirds of all grandparents regularly look after their grandchildren. The UK Government add that 41% of mothers are working full time so it's clear that grandparents are spending more time with their grandchildren than ever before. There are myriad reasons for this including the changing demographics of an ageing population where many grandparents are now more physically active so spending time with grandparents can be more fulfilling than in the past (anyone else remember sitting in silence listening to the adults talk and drink team and hoping it would be time to go home soon?) But for all those positives, abuse of older people is a negative that's featuring more and more in research and in the news. Whilst several studies on both domestic abuse and elder abuse victimisation have reported that adult sons or grandsons, and a smaller proportion of adult daughters or granddaughters, are perpetrators in around half of all abuse against older adults (see Bows et al . 2022), there is little research into abuse by grandchildren who are aged under 18. One reason for this is likely to be the reluctance, by family members, professionals and society as a whole, to label children as 'perpetrators' or 'abusers Parents experiencing abuse from children have told PEGS that the abuse most commonly starts before the age of six and often continues post the child turning 18. It is probable that some children who display abusive behaviours towards parents will also abuse their grandparents but it's possible that some children abuse grandparents only. What is pretty much definite is that grandparents will feel the same emotions as parents if a child is abusing them – shame, guilt, worry about consequences of speaking out and concerned about causing problems within the family, especially if they appear to be the only targets of the abuse. It's also common to look for a reason for the abuse, something that has happened to the child perhaps or something that the grandparent has/hasn't done and to try to rationalise the abuse. As well as more research, there needs to be more recognition from organisations working with older people – statutory and voluntary – that Child to Parent Abuse can and does include children abusing grandparents and those grandparents need support. Abuse from a child is often no less dangerous than abuse from an adult so it shouldn't be laughed off or seen as grandparents not having enough 'control' over their grandchildren. More awareness of the issue, more open discussions and acknowledgement of the impact of this type of abuse will hopefully lead to appropriate support for grandparents who come forward to ask for help, and more of them doing so. Amanda Warburton-Wynn is an independent researcher and consultant specialising in support for domestic abuse and sexual violence survivors with disabilities and older people. You can find out more about Amanda and her work on her website www.awdaconsultancy.com