4 Years on

As I sit down this morning to reflect on the past four years of PEGS, the highs, lows, learnings and successes plus everything in between. One thing is clear, child to parent abuse (CPA) is becoming more known, there are more support services out there now than when I once need that help and change is finally starting to happen. However, there is still so much more to do, both locally, regionally, nationally and internationally.

When I first started PEGS, I honestly had no idea what it would look like, I was just determined to make change for those experiencing child to parent abuse. I don’t talk about my experiences publicly as PEGS was not and is not about me or my journey, but those experiences have helped to reach those who are or have been in similar situations to where I once was. For me, it was one of the most

heartbreaking, worrying and unsafe times and add in to that professional blame, no support and having your voice silenced, it really was an isolating time and I have incredible support around me personally but that still did not take away the aloneness I felt.

It was after a situation where I found myself yet again having to actively encourage professionals to listen, that I thought, if I with my background and knowledge (my previous roles were in the domestic abuse and family law sectors) could not be heard, find appropriate and effective support, well what about Joe Bloggs on the street who may not have the same knowledge or even feel confident enough to advocate for themselves and their family to professionals and services, what hope did these families have.

That evening in July 2019, I decided that things needed to change, change can start with anyone of us at any one time, so why not me and why not then. One thing I did learn very quicky during my experiences was that if a child says no to a referral or they do not want to work with that service or professional then more often than not, those services were withdrawn, leaving parents even further isolated and at risk. I researched services across the UK and found not one service specifically on child to parent abuse and no service that could provide support solely for parents on CPA. This was a huge gap in services and so many missed opportunities to help families, so I created a google document and asked for parents, carers and guardians for their views, for what they wanted, I focused just on them, not their child, because for me this was an element that was just simply missing. (This is not saying those who display abusive behaviours do not need support just that PEGS is not that service for providing that help). The response to that initial survey was overwhelming, and

I am so grateful to those who took part in that anonymous document as they are the reason PEGS is run the way it is. A lot of their responses mirrored my experiences, which was incredibly sad but if all of us were having similar responses or no response to our situations then the solution or part of it, for me, was to create something to help bridge that. Seems logical right, yet for years nobody had considered it, PEGS continually asks those we support on feedback on our services, what services or support they feel they need, what that looks like – firmly placing them at the centre and giving them a voice, they have been voiceless for far too long.

I also wanted to make PEGS a free service, finances should never be a barrier for accessing support and for me, charging victims of abuse is just not okay, even if someone is in a position on paper to pay for services, this does not mean that they can, what about those who are being financially abused and controlled? Where did this potentially leave them? or with the cost of living added into things, would charging see parents having to make a decision between eating, heating and having support to help them keep safe? PEGS services will always remain free to those who need us, of course as a community interest company, this meant that PEGS would need to apply for grants, encourage donations and an income via other means, so with that in mind, consultancy, key note speaking, training and a risk awareness model was developed.

Alongside the parental support I also asked professionals, organisations and services what did they need, after all if professionals were not upskilled, frameworks, protocols or policies introduced then we were only working with part of a circle and barriers would remain. It is vital that we support professionals in all of this work too. I took to talking to anyone and everyone who would listen, from government level down, I met with some fantastic people who remain connected and who are a huge support for me and PEGS today.

During the past four years we have met so many incredible individuals who are also championing our work, we have become trusted partners of NHS Safeguarding for England (shout out to the brilliant Kenny Gibson and his team), created a free employer covenant that is backed by the Dept for Work and Pensions (massive thanks to Tony, Ahmed and the National Partner team for all their help on the CPAC)

PEGS has successfully supported the implementation of training, protocols and policy across organisations, local areas and whole regions, one region for us who is paving the way as a leading example on responding to child to parent abuse is Mid and West Wales. Through the work we have done with partner agencies and those with lived experience, this whole region of 4 local authorities, 2 health boards, various organisations, services and a police force have a protocol in responding to child to parent abuse, our PRAM model is also operational as part of the response. Without the support and commitment from Nat Handcock and her team and Dafydd Llewelyn, The Police Crime Commissioner for Dyfed Powys this would never have been achieved.

PEGS has now grown to a team of 11 plus our external services who support us with our website and finances, they too are part of us and we are so lucky to have these people on the wider PEGS team (huge thanks to Leon and the ISEV team, Zomma bookkeeping, Clair and all at TCALLP) and of course our incredible board members who provide myself and the PEGS team with advice, guidance, support, expertise and who are also our critical friends when needed, we truly are so privileged to know and work alongside them.

I never thought those 4 years ago that PEGS would be where we are, looking back over these short but powerful years, brings so much  joy, growth gratitude, learning and also at times sadness. PEGS has now supported in excess of 5000 parents, carers and guardians and have on average 300 referrals a month, one of our biggest challenges is capacity v demand. We have pivoted, introduced new services, reduced media presence, but this level of request for support only keeps growing we have referrals from across the UK and internationally now too, just showing how little support is available.

We were asked to consult on the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 on CPA and all our input made It into the statutory guidance. We then launched a child to parent abuse awareness day on October 14 th 2022 and this day has now been adopted in other countries helping them to highlight this form of abuse. We have presented at various meetings and conferences across the UK and internationally. We have held our own events too encouraging anyone and everyone to get involved. We have campaigned, championed others in our sector and appropriately challenged poor or lack of responses where needed.

Whilst CPA is so much further along than even four years ago, we are still hearing the lines ‘lessons have been learned’ yet the same “lesson” is still being re learned, so are these lessons truly being learned? Parents, carers and guardians are still being blamed, ignored and silenced and for some, sadly they have lost their lives, lives that could have been saved, lives that matter, lives of people who are living in plain sight of our communities but go hidden because the person who is abusing them is their child (or grandchild). CPA is from my view probably where domestic abuse was in the 60s/70s. We need to work together to be making changes, to be including child to parent abuse in forums, meetings, polices, we need to be placing parents, carers and guardians at the centre as well, this is not saying that they matter more but that they matter too – and they do.

I was and remain determined to bring child to parent abuse out of the shadows to highlight those who are experiencing CPA, and whilst I recognise my achievements in doing this, these are not mine alone – without the support, championing and help along the way from others I know PEGS would not be where we are – To our team, you are part of the change needed, you are doing the do and I am so so proud of you, thank you for believing in me , my vision and for pushing for change for those who need us. You make PEGS what it is, you are all part of our jigsaw, equally important and equally fantastic! Our parents, carers and guardians are in safer and better places because of the work you do.

For those who have been part of our journey in some way and have continued to support and raise PEGS work at every opportunity – there are far too many to mention, but just know I see you and I appreciate all that you have done for me personally and professionally

Personally, I wish there was no need for PEGS, that CPA did not occur, but that is simply not the reality. So as long as parents, carers and guardians need us, missed opportunities keep happening and the same lessons keep being re-learned, we will be here, pushing for change, lending our voices to those who need a voice, for those who are not allowed a voice and for those are sadly no longer

here to have a voice.

To anyone who is reading this, if it resonates with you, just know you are not alone, we see you. You do matter and PEGS and I have always got you.

All my love,

Michelle xxx